Confession: I lived in Lenoir City for almost three years before I finally ventured into the heart of the city. Despite me sleeping in Lenoir City every night, I spent most of my days between my office and boxing gym, both located in Knoxville’s Cedar Bluff neighborhood. If I needed groceries, dinner, drinks, services or entertainment, I had all I could stand right there. There was no reason to venture out into unknown territory in Lenoir City.

I’ve since learned that I can be at Home Depot in less than three minutes. Same with a variety of decent chain restaurants and a good number of grocery stores. For Lenoir City to be no bigger than it is, I enjoy having my pick between Wal-Mart, Food City, Ingles or Aldi for my groceries. In fact, they’re all so close to each other that it’s not uncommon for me to hit up multiple in one shopping trip.

I do most of my day-to-day grocery shopping at Wal-Mart, an admission that at one time would have brought me great shame but now I just own it. Ingles comes in at a close second because I know the layout and love their selection, though they are on the pricier side in comparison. Aldi is great for pantry staples or some of their Aldi-specific items that are all-the-way gone once they sell out. Food City is the least convenient of the local groceries but I pop in from time to time as a treat. They have the best price on both the dog and cat food we buy and I once won a Michael Myers plush doll out of a claw machine on the first try there. Fate and such.

We struck out on a couple of must-have items during our weekend grocery run so I found myself at Food City on Monday night, both to pick up those missed items and just to shake things up a bit on a Monday. I found, but didn’t partake in, a variety of great deals on meat, Valentine’s Day treats, some delicious-looking apple fritters in the bakery and 0.06oz of saffron for which they were trying to sell for $22. I was there mostly for coffee, Greek yogurt, whey protein and Quest bars. I picked up these and a number of other items, including a small case of limoncello La Croix.

Call me “part of the problem,” but I often select the self checkout when available. I’m not often in the mood to make small talk with someone while they scan my items and I don’t mind doing it myself anyway. On this fateful evening, however, I was in a good mood and feeling energetic. I pushed my cart toward the cashier and smiled, holding my keys in my right hand with intentions of holding out my Food City Value Card for her to scan. She ignored my smile and my keys, then immediately started emptying the contents of my cart. I dropped my hand and started to walk around to the other side of the belt. Before I reached my destination, however, she huffed, “Well, do you have a Value Card? You might save some money if you do!” 

I said yes, held it out again, and she scanned it.

“You never know when you’re going to be able to save a few bucks here or there. Always scan your Value Card.”

Instead of fighting her, I opted to tell her about how I didn’t realize I had my parents’ Food City card on my keys for a year or so after I moved out. I learned of the folly when I got gas at a random Food City gas station and used the card only to find that I was saving well over a dollar per gallon despite never shopping there. She didn’t find it amusing and honestly I’m not sure she heard much of the story. She continued scanning.

The cashier dragged my box of Quest bars across the scanner and frowned as she looked back up to her screen. “It’s not scanning,” she said, followed by, “I’ll have to get a manager over here.” She proceeded to scan everything in my cart aside from the Quest bars and the case of La Croix. A manager was called over and the situation with the bars was discussed. After a second of troubleshooting, the manager declared the reason the box wasn’t scanning was because they weren’t intended to be sold by the box; Rather, they had to be sold as individual units.

“So I can’t buy the box?” I asked, seeking clarification.

“Yeah, you can buy the box but we have to ring these up individually. How many are there?”

“Twelve.”

The manager opened the box, scanned a single bar and multiplied the amount by 12. Both the manager and the cashier looked up at me in silence as it was announced: “$35.76.”

I made the mistake of assuming they knew that was not only a no but a hell no from me but they didn’t take it. We stood in uncomfortable silence for a beat before I confirmed, “No thank you. I’ll just take four of them.” 

Before the manager left, the cashier told her she needed to scan the box in my cart. The manager was initially incredulous and asked why – it was La Croix, afterall. The cashier laughed it off and said she assumed it was beer. I’m going to choose to believe it’s because of the shape of the box and not that she was assuming I was a Monday night alcoholic. We laughed together for a brief moment before the following dialogue took place. The main characters are me, the cashier and her senior-aged bag boy.

“Oh! Haha! I assumed that was beer!”

“Ha ha! Hey, it wouldn’t be the weirdest related thing that’s happened to me. The first time I got carded it was for Red Bull!”

“Really!? Well, at least I’m not that bad!”

“Nah, that was just silly.”

[Suddenly very stern] “Well, let me just tell you. You don’t need to be drinking Red Bull.”

“I … uh … I don’t.”

“That stuff is terrible for you. Stay away from it!”

“I do! I was in college then. It was over 20 years ago.”

“It’s extremely unhealthy. You shouldn’t drink it.”

“I … uh?”

“Now, now you stay away from that Red Bull, you hear?”

“I DO!”

“There’s so much sugar in it! All kinds of sugar. You don’t need to be drinking that stuff!”

“I DON’T!”

“And your teeth! It’s bad for your teeth! Keep drinking it and your teeth will rot!”

“I. DON’T. DRINK. IT!”

“You saved $4.95 today and you have 10-cents off per gallon.”

(silence)

For the record, yes, I was underage at the time and was carded for Red Bull at a gas station in Allandale. The cashier was flabbergasted, as was I, and we figured out that Red Bull was put in inventory incorrectly because it was delivered by the same guy who delivers beer. The cashier put their birthday in to satisfy the register’s requirements and I went on about my day.

I do not drink Red Bull anymore and for that matter I hardly ever drink any energy drink, period. 

Other things from college I no longer do:

• Stay up past midnight
• Eat at Taco Bell every other night
• Eat five Arby’s items in one sitting
• Avoid the gym at all costs
• Think Family Guy is funny
• Believe I’m going to be a filmmaker when I grow up
• Drink Alabama Slammers

I also don’t skip school, go get a donut at Daylight Donuts then play video games at Fun Expedition all day because I didn’t do my homework, though you have no idea how bad I wish I could do that again now.

And even if I did still do those things, it doesn’t matter. I’m a 39-year-old man who is capable of making his own horrible decisions – including hitting up Food City on a Monday night.