This 39th year has been very strange and difficult, dear readers. I’ve struggled really hard with a lot of life’s changes, though I have been pretty private about it. Having given up my side gig also made me give up my career aspirations and nearly every one of my life’s goals, leaving me struggling to find meaning, purpose and direction all while trying to be the best husband, finding my footing in a new role at my full-time job and developing a new plan. I’ve felt lost, I’ve been depressed and I’ve often likened it to being alone in the bottom of a well.

As per usual, however, I’m back this year with another list of thoughts, lessons, adventures and more from my 39th year. Doing so is therapeutic in a number of ways as it helps me practice gratitude and shows me some great places from which I can build a new foundation. Thirty-nine is going to be the biggest year of my life and I can’t wait to share all the many ways I plan to make it so.

Until then, here are 39 things in a number of very random categories.

Changes This Year

1. I’m not the beer drinker I once was. I’ve gone from being a beer snob in my late 20s, to still being a beer snob in my early 30s while enjoying the occasional Budweiser or PBR, to really kind of wanting to avoid beer altogether in my late 30s. There are exceptions, of course, which I’ll expand on later is this list. Beer always sits so heavy in my stomach and it’s hard for me to want to keep hanging out after I’ve had two or three. A former client introduced me to the concept of having one or two “good” beers, then drinking Miller Lite the rest of the night, which has helped, but at the end of the day, beer just isn’t my jam like it used to be.

2. Related: Rum & Diet Coke is my signature drink now. I had a rough night our first night in Vegas – ROUGH. We were supposed to go to a rooftop “club” the next night where there would be bottle service and loud music, two things of which I had no interest. Someone mentioned we were ordering a bucket of Ultra and I intended to nurse a single bottle the entire night just to get through. Turns out, no beer was ordered, but they did bring a bottle of Diet Coke and Captain Morgan spiced rum, so that’s the direction I went. I ended up laughing and dancing my face off all night and felt great the next day. Life hack: unlocked?

Stuff I Learned This Year

3. Las Vegas was way cooler than I thought it would be. When Katie said we were going to a wedding in Vegas, I was not excited. Las Vegas wasn’t even on my top 10, maybe even top 20, domestic vacation destinations on my list but I decided to tough it out for the sake of our friends Tori and Brandon. I ended up having the time of my life and can’t wait to go back.

4. I’ve learned that being nearly 40 doesn’t mean anything outside of what society wants me to think it means. I primarily came to this conclusion while trying to come to grips with the fact that I’m hoping to be a dad soon-ish. Society says that’s pretty old to start a family and that really stressed me out for a bit, but then I realized that I have historically cared very little for what society says about much of anything. Furthermore, the men of my generation are fat, lazy, gray and/or bald by the time they hit 40 so for most of us, yes, 40 is kind of old to start a family. I’m rushing toward 40 in the best shape I’ve ever been in, however. I am lean, healthy and feel better now than I did in my 20s. This is another case where I’m telling societal standards to shove it.

5. I’ve learned that many of my limiting beliefs stem from fictional stories I have written for myself. I stress myself out over a lot of very silly things, especially at work. I like to think that I’m dropping the ball, that I’m missing the mark, I’m not performing up to standard or that I’m otherwise inadequate. The reality, however, is that nobody has ever expressed these things to me, I just assume that’s how they’re viewing me. Zero percent of it is rooted in fact, but merely a figment of my fantastic imagination. I’m still learning how to deal with it, but I’ve recognized it and that’s a good step, I’d say.

6. I have learned that managing a group of intellectuals in a professional environment is way different than managing a group of fighters. When I earned the management promotion with my full-time gig, one of the things that helped me was this time I had management experience. That experience, however, was managing a group of college girls and fighters who respond best to crude humor and loud voices. Neither of these things are acceptable or useful when managing a group of intellectual adults.

7. I learned how to make garlic naan with flour, greek yogurt and garlic powder – high-protein game changer. A little bit of effort, yeah, but it’s way healthier than store-bought naan and it’s a great way to eat bread with your nutritious meal and not blow your calories for the day.

8. I spent $350 on a fancy dinner in Nashville but enjoyed our $35 lunch the next day exponentially more. There has to be a lesson in there somewhere. Call me crazy but I’ll take that sausage-egg-and-cheese breakfast “burger” over that $100 Del Monico Rib Eye every day of the week.

9. Katie and I made homemade mustard. Talk about a fun date night! How many people do you know who made their own mustard this year? Zero, that’s how many.

10. I was introduced to the Dole-Whip cocktail. I also learned that when a bikini girl serves you one in the pool in Vegas, your hangover will magically disappear.

11. I worked with a coach for a few months this year and she’s helped me learn a lot about myself. With her guidance, I was able to identify love, authenticity and health as my core values. I’m currently working on making sure I’m applying these values to every part of my life. I’ve already seen a great difference in how I’m feeling.

12. While Katie is doing a great job investing in new friendships that can help her grow, I am starting to feel more and more comfortable with being alone. There are exceptions but for the most part, if I can’t do something with her, I’d rather do it by myself. This isn’t a call for help – it’s what makes me feel comfortable at this era of my life.

13. My favorite song I’ve learned to play this year is Do You Remember Rock and Roll Radio? By the Ramones on bass guitar. I have played guitar and/or bass every day this year and just keep ripping through punk songs because they’re my favorite.

14. Thanks to Duolingo, I’m finally starting to do something I’ve wanted to do since I was in the 6th grade: learn to read music. I wasn’t “allowed” to be in the band when I had the chance and wasn’t a practicing musician until I was 18. I’m currently a 39-year-old musician who can’t read music but Duolingo is helping me change that.

Experiences / Accomplishments From Year 39

15. This year I went to New Orleans, Nashville, Las Vegas and Asheville with a trip to Charleston planned by the end of the year. Highlights include the Museum of Death in NOLA, the Parthenon in Nashville, Madame Tussads in Las Vegas and dunking corn dog nuggets into fondue in Asheville.

16. I hosted my first Halloween party this year. This maybe wasn’t Katie’s first rodeo but it was mine. I’ve never been much of a Halloween party person anyway but I do love hosting parties at our house. We had a great time and I can’t wait to do it again!

17. This year I tried chicken feet for the first time. At a dim sum restaurant in Vegas. They weren’t bad and I’m glad I did it, but I’ll probably never do it again. 

18. I got back into folk-punk this year. I was just in the mood and rediscovered the genre with a rad playlist on Spotify that features the likes of This Bike is a Pipe Bomb, The Pogues, Violent Femmes, Against Me!, Star Fucking Hipsters and so much more.

19. I got two tattoos this year – “Little Stitious” and Ozzy.

20. One of my proudest moments this year was seeing Katie do her thing on stage at the Dogwood Arts House and Garden Show. I gave her the full Toastmasters treatment as she rehearsed in our living room. Like so many other people, public speaking is one of Katie’s biggest fears but you wouldn’t know it based on how well she did. She spoke before a near-capacity audience who were all engaged and taking notes. She absolutely killed it and I couldn’t have been more proud!

21. I got to take my mom on a shopping trip this year and it felt great to be able to do that again. This is something we used to do every year but I had to put it off for a few years while I got my life, and my finances, in order. 

22. I bought a new charcoal grill this year (the Char-Griller Akorn) and I’m in love with it. I made bacon this year, smoked SO MANY chicken wings, made chicken lollipops for the first time, grilled my first tomahawk ribeyes, ground my own burgers using our meat grinder, grilled tandoori chicken for my in-laws and made my first pizza on the grill with the pizza stone.

23. I achieved a lifelong dream of visiting Madame Tussauds in Las Vegas. I have a photo of my Paps posing with Jerry Springer in the museum when he visited in the 90s. I’ve wanted to visit the museum ever since and I was nearly star struck while there, not only because of how awesome the work is but also because I knew that my Paps had been there.

24. I moshed at a wedding. Tori and Brandon’s wedding was already fun enough. We were feeling good, my tie was loose, our bellies were full and the night was about to wrap up when out of nowhere the DJ starts blasting SLAYER! Pits just sort-of happen under those circumstances!

25. I saw Guns N’ Roses and TOOL in concert. We were also supposed to see KISS but they bailed on us the day of the event. We also saw a drag queen perform Proud Mary in New Orleans, so that was cool.

26. I ran a full-on mud run despite not being conditioned for it. Not only did I hurt for a week afterward, but my quads and glutes were in pain before the race even ended! It wasn’t my first mud run but it was by far the most difficult non-half-marathon I’ve ever run!

27. I wrote a single song, which is less than I intended but it’s a step in the right direction. It’s called Not Strong and it’s definitely a pathetic “I’m mad at my dad” kind of punk song but it’s pretty good.

28. My favorite meal of the year was, again, at Osteria Stella: Focaccia Osteria Stella, Grilled Octopus, Casarecce with Spicy Italian Sausage, Tagliatelle with Braised Wild Boar, Capesante with Nduja Corn and Apple-Prosecco Bellinis.

29. I accidentally got drunk at a collegiate sports tailgate event then nearly fell asleep while feeding a toddler a banana on the way home. This is not a mad lib.

30. I drank a $50 cocktail in Vegas that was really just a glorified Old Fashioned. I ordered it because it was one of the cheapest cocktails on the menu. Either way, I did not pay for it.

31. My second favorite meal of the year was at SushiSamba in Las Vegas: a tapas-style dinner that consisted of Peruvian Corn, Rock Shrimp Tempura, West Coast Kusshi Oysters, Grilled Ribeye, Grilled Sea Bass, Grilled Squid, Grilled Berkshire Pork Belly, Grilled Duck Breast and a variety of sushi rolls that were washed down with more sake than I’d care to admit.

32. I drank champagne from a bizarre device called a “cham-bong” that I hope to never cross paths with again. Who serves champagne at $40 per glass in a device that makes it impossible to sip? The Wynn in Las Vegas, that’s who.

33. We were introduced to a sour beer called Peanut Butter & Jelly Mixtape by Xul and it’s the best beer ever made. It wasn’t long ago when I said “sour” and “beer” are two words that should never be together, much like “meat” and “loaf.” PB&J Mixtape, however, has forever broken that rule. It’s now the one to beat.

34. One of my favorite dates this year involved getting accidentally buzzed on skinny margaritas then going grocery shopping at Costco. We also went to Wal-Mart. A dangerous game, make no mistake, but we didn’t spend any more money than we normally would have on grocery day.

35. My job has put more stress on me than I’ve ever had professionally. A cool thing I’ve gotten to do this year, however, is work with folks all over the world. I currently have a direct report who lives in São Paulo, Brazil, and have worked with a number of folks in Mexico City, Mexico, as well as Buenos Aires, Argentina. I’ve helped colleagues in the Netherlands and France, then gave a presentation to some colleagues in Singapore.

Goals for Year 40

36. Something I’m hyped about: We’re going to Italy next year! I want to see all the art, eat all the food, learn all the history and drink all the wine from those cool little windows.
37. I got two new grills this year and I’m excited to make use of them over the winter. I’ve already gotten down my Meathead bible and fully plan to smoke a brisket, make my own sausage and develop some high-end, experimental cheeseburgers for a dinner party I’m hoping to have soon.
38. My first book is almost ready. My first run of edits have been applied, my foreword and introduction are written. My next step is to get it back to my editor for one more pass, then I’m going to hire someone to design my cover.
39. My goal for year 40 is to find value in my life again. I don’t know how it’s going to work but I have to do it. I have a gaping hole in my soul at the moment and I’m desperate to find the missing piece. You all know me, though – I’m going to work until I find it.

Holy shit, I’m going to turn 40 next year! I was afraid of this for a long time but now I welcome it and everything that comes along with it.

Until then, ever onward.