Lying in bed last night, watching some old “home movies” on the new TV upstairs, I was a little shocked, surprised and humored when Erin informed me that a nationwide ban had been placed on…

…Candy Cigarettes!

Seriously, a ban…On Candy Cigarettes.  The FDA was (and has been) alarmed at the amount of illness and death caused by smoking, even more at the extravagant cost to health care that is incurred.  So they’ve gone about trying to cut it out by putting warning labels on the cigs…That didn’t work.  Cigarette companies are no longer allowed to advertise on TV…That didn’t work.  Those TRUTH commercials came out and were awesome (but didn’t work)…The prices went up…That didn’t work.  The prices went up again…That didn’t work.  The prices went up again…That didn’t work.  States have started banning smoking in restaurants and bars unless it’s an age 21+ facility, and that one didn’t work…This time last year they put a nation-wide ban on flavored cigarettes, and that obviously hasn’t worked, so now it’s time to axe the sugary sweet candy cigarettes.

The thinking is that kids see how cigarettes are portrayed in the media and by their peers (but never their parents…Lord knows the parents are never to blame for anything) and are encouraged to take up the habit from an early age by these candy cigarettes.  I’m not even a smoker, but I have smoked 1 cigarette in my life and I know enough to know that your first cigarette SUCKS.  The FDA has reason to believe that those flavored “real” cigarettes encouraged kids to smoke more because they didn’t taste as bad.  Pretty much, according to the FDA, if you pretend to smoke a candy cigarette, it will inevitably lead to smoking flavored cigarettes, then to the lighter ones, then to the harder ones, then to an early grave, black lung and all.

Did I mention that on real cigarettes, they’re no longer able to put the word “light” or “mild” or “low tar” on their packs?  Yep, anything that may make a pack of smokes seem less dangerous is hitting the bin.  Before long, smokers, the FDA will try to put a ban on smoking in general.  That’s when you can really rejoice!  Examples:  When the United States rocked out Prohibition against alcohol, all of the sudden, the country had a REAL alcohol problem.  Almost all decent drugs are illegal, even those who don’t even have a death count to their name, and we have a drug problem in this country.  Porn is treated like something that should be hidden and ignored and we have a porn problem in this country.  So, smokers, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to say that if smoking is banned altogether, an underground will form and you’ll not only still be able to smoke, but you’ll probably be able to get them a little cheaper or at least a better quality smoke!  Once again, I don’t know much about smoking, but I’ve been told on more than 1 occasion that home made smokes are where it’s at!

Bottom line,  United States FDA:  Even if you force cigarette companies to put a label that says “instant death” on them, replace the word “light” with “heavy metal,” and make each pack of smokes cost $10, the United States will still smoke and little kids will still like candy.  Let the smokers have their artificial lungs and cancer, and let’s move on to something that’s a REAL problem.

Enjoy today’s haiku:

Smoked a candy cig
And wouldn’t you have guessed it?
I now have cancer!