Here’s something else I like:  The fast food industry.

Here’s something I do not like:  The Center for Science in the Public Interest saying that McDonald’s putting cheap ass plastic toys in their happy meals are the reason our kids are fat.

Now I am fat.  I love fast food.  I love cookies and cakes and pizza.  I love video games.  I love computers.  But these items are not the reason I’m fat.  I’m fat because I take in more calories than I burn daily.  It’s basic science.  My parents love fad diets, thinking they can cut their carbs and watch TV and they’ll lose weight and keep it off.  That would be nice, but it’s never happened and it never will happen.  Sorry mom.

In the following paragraphs I am going to explain why I love the fast food industry and why suing McDonald’s for their toys will not and never will work:

When a gentleman named Ray Kroc bought McDonald’s (research it, people, he was a genius) all he had was a joint that served hamburgers, fries and drinks.  The “Big Macs” and “Quarter Pounders” that we have today hadn’t came into existence yet.  Kroc knew in the early years that what he had was literally a gold mine.  The only thing missing was a genius marketing scheme.  And what an awesome machine he was able to develop.  The fast food industry is a big bucks industry for several reasons, mostly because they’ve found a cheap and efficient way of preparing their goods, starting with produce and slaughtering of the cows that make your Big Mac.  After this, everything that’s coming to the restaurants are flavored artificially.  This does 2 things:  1)  It creates flavors we aren’t even aware of, like the oil the french fries are fried in flavor the fries in a way that make them perfectly compliment the burgers.  The eater automatically associates one with the other.  And 2)  It makes sure that the food tastes the same every time it’s prepared.  This is key later on.  Stay tuned.

The big thing that Kroc did for the kitchens at these restaurants is he got rid of the short order cook and created the “Speedee(sic) Service System”.  Before the modern McD’s, the short order cook stood in the kitchen, preparing every aspect of every meal that was ordered.  He was probably sloppy and ugly, dropping ashes from his cig onto your hamburger, but he was skilled and you payed him for those skills.  Ray Kroc threw this guy out the back door.  He found that it’s cheaper and more efficient to hire several non-skilled individuals, train them on one station and put together a conveyor belt type system where one person takes care of their one job and it comes together to complete one objective:  Your combo meal.  The fast food industry preys on high school kids, the elderly and the mentally handicapped as their workers because they will work hard for very little money.  Some because they don’t know any better, others because they can’t get anything else.  This is great for them because although it’s already cheap, it gets even cheaper when you consider the very minimal (or lack of) benefits that are made available to the employees.  There’s simply no need to.  So what if the 2 snot nose teenage punks quit and take the retard and granny with them.  There are 10 more kids, 5 more grannies and 3 more retards who are dying to work in their position, and they’re brought on quickly.  It’s harsh, it’s almost ugly, but it’s efficient and it’s cheap and it’s brilliant.

Finally, Krock developed and capitalized on the concept of “customers for life,” where their product is marketed to people as early as possible and creates customers who come back for more until they die.  On day one, and infant is attracted to McDonald’s because of their colors.  Yes, red and yellow are two colors that ignite a sense in us that says “hey, I’m hungry.”  I don’t know why this is, but it’s been scientifically proven.  Even at 1 month old, McDonald’s has you by the balls (or uterus).  The next step is adhering to your needs visually.  As the children get older, they see the fast food ads, hear the music, see those familiar colors and they’re now interested on a different level.  The promise of a toy more than likely hasn’t even crossed the kid’s mind yet.  When they do get the toys, they suck, but if they come with what you mamma orders you, you’re not going to turn it down.  And the food?  It’s GOOD, let me tell you. You get a little older, you’re still familiar with their product and you feel safe eating there because you have your whole life up until this point.  As a teenager you’re drawn there because you have a mega appetite and their food is filling and cheap (and you probably have friends working there –see above–).  And the food…It’s GOOD.  Now you’re an adult with kids of your own.  They see those colors – they hear those songs – they see those commercials and ads…And you know the food is good so you take them, and the cycle starts all over gain.  A customer for life who just started the cycle with another life-long customer.

McDonald’s has us, folks.  Deal with it.  They’ve had you since before you were born and they’ve already got your great grand kids.  Toys aren’t making your kids fat.  Science knowing how the human mind works and not burning off what you take in are what make you fat.I think I’m going to go get an apple pie now.

Enjoy today’s haiku:

By the time that you
Have read this stupid haiku
I will have gained weight*

*I need someone to blame for my lack of responsibility