Today was the last day of eating solid food, thus ending phase 1. The eating hasn’t been death for me or anything but it’s certainly not anything like I’m used to. I choked down the last little bit of broccoli soup tonight with a large cup of water and felt not only relieved but accomplished: I finished day 5.

The upcoming phase (day 6-15) obviously means that a trip to the grocery was in order. There’s something insanely embarrassing about picking up 30 stalks of celery (we actually needed 50) and 12 cucumbers (we actually needed 24), three large bags of kale, three bags of apples and an entire shelf of coconut water. “It’s embarrassing to have your buggy full of healthy stuff but not if you had…beer and stuff?” Erin asked.

“Yes” is my response to that.

I feel like we’re hoarding vegetables, or like I told her tonight, like we’re planning a giant fruit fly experiment at home. Our cashier tonight tried to make us (me) feel better by saying that earlier a guy came through “with like 50 bags of pretzels.” It didn’t work. I’d love 50 bags of pretzels.

Today’s cravings included biscuits and gravy, waffles, maple syrup, peanut butter, huevos rancheros, Spanish rice, a hamburger from literally every place we passed today that sells hamburgers, pork bbq and pizza in addition to the aforementioned 50 bags of pretzels.

In fact, Foodbeast posted this photo of a pizza burger today on Facebook and I wanted to just die. The burger is cooked inside the pizza dough, which is then topped and baked like a pizza. If I could somehow fit my love of Mexican into this dish – maybe top the pizza with chorizo – then it would be an X-rated fantasy of mine come true in the most beautiful way possible.

I griped all the way home from the grocery today. Erin has been a real trooper through all of this and has been the only reason I’ve not given up on it yet. How she’s not yet filed for a divorce is beyond me but there’s 10 days left so anything can happen. Here’s to hoping it doesn’t.

Today (Day Five)

Feeling: Mostly well. I’ve noticed a near-nauseous feeling late this afternoon and into the evening. Energy level is normal, though and still no headaches.
Mood: Grouch.
Weight: 254 lbs
Blood Pressure: 119/86
Feelings toward Joe: I hope he poops himself inside-out.

I suppose aside from losing weight, bringing down my cholesterol, blood sugar and blood pressure, one positive I can take away from this experience is I can sign off my blog by saying that it’s “time for tea”. I can totally dig that.